i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
