I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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