I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
