Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
