i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
