The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
