i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Randomize
