my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Who died my cat blue again?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
