Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
