Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
