Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
