I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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