Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
