mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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