I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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