my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
