Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
