Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
