I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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