WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
