mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
