I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
