Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
