The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
