i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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