i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
