If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
