she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
