my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
babies were throwing up all over the place
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
