just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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