Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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