So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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