She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
