I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
