this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
