The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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