im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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