my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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