where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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