Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
