he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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