worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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