I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
