I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
no, he came in my armpit
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
