Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
