he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
