she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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