I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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