We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
