I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
