I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
