Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
