I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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