I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
