cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
