remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
