saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
