The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
