After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
