I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
