Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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