Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
