"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
