mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize