Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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