After last night, I could never be a politician.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
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