i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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