someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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