He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
